Chatroom guy to marry me?

I wanna marry chatroom guy..
My mom said NO, but she..

..don't know him and she don't know my heart either.

NOTE: This article is a combination of several emails and letters to us with the names changed to protect identity of our viewers.

OK sheikh imam  this guy on chatroom like I told to you. he very good man nice looks and not muslim yet. but he's like good person to know him. He can make me happy, give me good home everything.

He's really almost like Muslim, he believes god and loves me. I want ask him marry me and i convert him. my mom says no and even he convert still say s no to me. I love him so much and he likes my pictures on facebook too. His mom and his friends told him i look cute too. I love him so much. Can I meet him and do marriage to him?

Bismillah Rahman Raheem

Salam alaykum sister,

Marriage is very serious and it is for the whole life (almost always). And in Islam, the lady has special protection for her and her children. This is her rights and the rights of the children and must not be broken. 

For this reason a sister must have a "wali" or "wakil" to help her in making such a decision. Usually, it is her father, but if he is not living, then her brother, or uncle or very close male relative (of course they must be Muslim). If no relative exists, then a local imam or scholar or knowledgeable sheikh (and his wife) will help the sister get the right person and the right marriage contract. This is very important.

The girl does not tell the man she wants to get married to him. She tells her "wali" and he discusses it with the man to be sure he might be interested and he will take good care of her and any children they have.

This way, if the man says, "No. I am not ready to get married", or if he says to the wali, "I already have a wife back home and I just don't tell everyone" or anything like that, then there is no damage done to people's feelings or some big mistake comes out of it.

Also, the man might say something to the wali, that he would not say to the lady, to make sure he knows he is not able, or not ready to get married.

The lady might rush into the whole thing, believing all her problems are solved, but actually a whole new set of problems comes up and now she can't get out of them. This could actually ruin her happiness and make things difficult for the rest of her life. It could also make it difficult for her children as they grow up watching parents not loving each other or fighting or getting a divorce.

So, this is why it is important for the lady to have a wali.

In the case of a divorced woman or a widow, some scholars say - "Because she has been married and older (usually) then if she finds no wali, she can get anyone to help her out to make the marriage agreement with the man".

I must make this very clear - It is so dangerous to open up this subject with someone you know from the Internet, because you really don't know anything about them except what they want you to know. Even pictures or photos can be changed, or old or even fake. 

And here is something very real about this kind of "friendship" on the web - you only know what the person wants you to know, and it is never the complete truth. Being around someone, seeing how they treat their mom and dad, and how the mom and dad treat him and how the family treat each other, what they say when the person is not there, stories they might tell about things that happened but suddenly you see the story from a whole different way from the way the man had told it before.

Sometimes young sisters feel desperate and they believe they have "found" the right person on the Internet or chatroom or at school, and without talking it over with their wali or parents, they start to get involved in a personal way thinking it is OK. But it is not. If the subject turns to personal things, she should stop it and cut it off right away. Otherwise, Allah will let her make her own mistakes because she is not trusting Allah and she is breaking Commands of Allah.

When I see a sister come to my office and start telling me all this long sad story of how her husband has left her with children and bills and he kicked her out or just disappeared, it hurts my heart to see her and the children living in this suffering. She tells me about abuse and neglect - about him disrespecting her and her family and doing haram things and fighting with her and so many other long stories. What can we do?

It is even worse when we do talk to her husband and he begins to tell us another story - but this story he is the one who suffered for all those years and she is the one who caused all the trouble. She was shouting, fighting, not doing what he wants, talking to much to people he doesn't like, going places when he told her to stay home, not helping him and not respecting him or his family. He says she is fat and lazy now and she doesn't take care of herself and looks bad to him. He says he wanted a younger girl who is giving him respect and taking care of herself and looks good and so on. Again, what can we do?

All of this story is real. And I see it all the time. Again and again, they come to me with so many problems and they want a divorce or they want another wife or one of them has disappeared with the children.

This is no good for the man, no good for the sister, no good for the children and no good for the Muslim society. Some of our youth today, use all of these stories as excuse to just go out and have a girl-friend or boy-friend or live together and then just leave when they are tired of the relationship.

The marriage contract with a wali taking care of the sister's best interest and the salatul istakharah are all a very important part of getting the best possible marriage from Allah.

I know, because that is what I did when I got married to the wife I have now, almost 20 years ago.

After I came into Islam many things started to happen to me. My business was robbed and everything stolen. My money stopped coming in. My van was stolen and the wife I had then decided to leave and take our two daughters with her. One day I came to my apartment and my key did not fit. Finally when the management opened it up, it was totally empty and no family. I had nothing. I couldn't keep the apartment, there was no more furniture, no bed, nothing. 

This was a huge test for me, maybe some would go right out of Islam. But Al Hamdulillah, Allah saved me.

I had been warned by the brothers that coming into Islam there would be tests. And they were right. It is a promise from Allah, that we will all be tested.

So I began to really work on being the best Muslim I could be, studying, praying, fasting, sitting with scholars and imams as much as I could. I even stayed in a masjid in Texas for a while to be around good Muslims.

It was great to know the truth about Allah and about real Islam. Yet I still felt so sad inside. I knew I made mistakes before coming to Islam and i really cried to Allah to let me be the best Muslim husband I could be and have my wife and children back.

I did not get what I wanted. But Allah gave me something better from His Barakah (blessings). One brother helped work out a way for me to have my daughters back. My father helped us with a place to stay and food to eat. Things were a little tough for a while, actually for nine months.

Then one day Allah brought an American sister into our lives, who was a good Muslim lady. Brothers had been setting it up for us to meet, and by accident we met before the date they had planned. It was a real amazing coincidence and one that changed all our lives forever. I talked it over with my dad. She talked to her folks. The brothers came to my dad's house and we all met there to do the proper marriage. She had a wakil, they made a contract in Arabic and English and I gave her the mahr (dowry). And we were married, in front of Allah, according to Islam, Al Hamdulillah.

Everything always works out for best when we put our full trust in Allah and OBEY HIS COMMANDMENTS. He does not need us. We need Allah, in everything we do, every day.

If you look to a man to be your god - Allah will make you disappointed. But if you look to Allah to give you the right man, and you obey Him - He will give you much better than what you want. Because you and I cannot control people, we cannot control the future - but Allah can.

Allah Knows. And He cares.

Here is a song for you by my friend in South Africa, Zain Bhikha - Listen to the words and remember - Allah Knows...

http://www.tubeislam.com/video/163/Allah-Knows-nasheed

This article needs comments from everyone - Do it now before you forget...